My mother died 25 years ago and I am still not over it

The dilemma I am 50 years old, live a privileged life with my husband and our two children and really don’t want for much. My mother died very suddenly when I was 25 – she was 61. Her death was from a heart attack. We had no clue that she was gravely ill. My father died of bowel cancer in 2020, aged 81.

While it was very sad to see my dad’s decline, I felt able to come to terms with his illness and subsequent death. However – and the reason I’m seeking guidance – I don’t think I ever have really learned how to deal with my mum’s death. Even now, tears are coming to my eyes as I write this. How can this be right after 25 years? I should be over it.

I briefly saw a counsellor, who suggested I immerse myself in my mum – listen to her favourite songs, etc. This did not help. I still feel like I haven’t dealt with her death. I’d be grateful for any insights as to how to deal with this.

Philippa’s answer It is understandable that you are not over your mother’s death. You lost her too young, it was a terrible shock and at a time in your life when you were still developing in relationship with her. It was sad when your dad died, but you had no unfinished business with him.

You have two things to deal with. Your grief and telling yourself you should be over it. My advice is drop the “should”. Then there will be one less pressure on you.

You want your grief “dealt with”. And this could be a clue as to why it is so hard for you. Switch the “deal with” to “feel with”. Feelings, I’m afraid, will not be dealt with, it’s not how they work. You cannot scold a child out of a tantrum, nor yourself from feeling grief. But what you can do is change your relationship with grief. When you push grief away, it’ll come back harder. When you welcome it, look after it, feel kindly towards it, cease being afraid of it, it will not go away, but it will be easier to carry.

I think your counsellor was following your lead in trying to fix you. I believe you need more understanding than fixing. You may need to return to therapy – and with a therapist who is experienced in feeling with grief, with whom you can have conversations like you might have had with your mum. Maybe even arguments that you needed to have with her.

There are theories, such as there being stages of grief that you pass through and then come out the other side. In my experience of life and death, very few people can relate to this sort of theory. We do not grieve to a set plan. Bereavement goes on its own journey and people experience it in their own ways.

Sometimes we grow around the grief, but it’s there as big as it ever was. Sometimes it seems to come in waves and feels as acute as it first did. Some people can and do fill the gap inside themselves that a significant person dying has left, but it is hard to do this when you haven’t finished getting to know them, and I think this is especially so with a parent who dies too soon.

Some psychologists are beginning to treat prolonged grief as a disorder and are developing treatments and suggesting drugs to help. I don’t know enough about this route to suggest it or not, but see what you can find by doing an internet search on “complicated grief”. Personally, I don’t like pathologising sadness. But if an idea appeals to you about how to proceed, it is more likely to be helpful than one that doesn’t.

What do you think of the idea of not resenting your grief? Not wanting to rid yourself of that part of you that is grief? It might sound weird, because at times your grief is as agonising and raw as it ever was, and here am I saying don’t push it away. But if you can experiment with not being embarrassed or angry when the tears come, but accept that they will and they are part of how you love and how you loved your mother, they may become easier to live with.

Bereavement is easier to come to terms with if you have company. One of the most established bereavement charities is Cruse (cruse.org.uk). It runs groups as well as individual grief counselling. Not every bereavement organisation will suit you, but I’m sure one of them will.

I recommend Cariad Lloyd’s podcast, shows.acast.com/griefcast. Her book, You Are Not Alone, will come out in January next year. Like you, she is grieving even though the parent she lost died decades ago. I think hearing about her ongoing relationship with her grief may help you come to terms with yours. She also has tremendous experience because she has listened to so many grieving people. Another book I highly recommend is Julia Samuel’s Grief Works.

You are not sick: you do not need to be cured. You are hurting because you lost your mother before you were ready, so you will always have deep emotions about this. You are 50, you lost her when you were 25, you have had half your life with her and half without her – 51 may be the year you make friends with the sadness and not necessarily feel it less, but mind it less.

If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk

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